Kiss your arse as you wave it goodbye, not a tear, but a cheer, make it gay


A letter a day to number 10. No 1,495

Sunday 17 July 2016.

Dear Mrs May,

I was unable to write to you yesterday because I had to rush my niece into hospital. An intrusion of real life as against, say, the world of career politicians like ‘Lord’ David Freud, he of the asinine presumption that, “people who are poorer should be prepared to take the biggest risks” as they have “the least to lose”.

My niece and I were passing the time discussing politics, the coup in Turkey, Britain sending troops to the Eastern borders of Russia and Putin warning that the West are pushing us towards WWIII, stuff like that. It wasn’t a long or complicated conversation as my niece was busy being poorly, it was really just a comment on the lives and concerns of us ordinary folk trying to get on, and the world of the elites who have the exclusive power to make such an appalling mess of things and make wars in particular.

The world is bonkers and it seems the greatest escalation right now is in bonkersness. I told my niece she was in the right place if you all manage to trigger another world war and she asked me how I managed to work that out.

I pointed out that she was in a hospital and in conflicts (traditionally) hospitals have special status and paint big red crosses on their buildings and have backup generators and the like to protect the ailing, the sick and wounded from being bombed while the rest of the population is fair game to be bombed to kingdom come. Once nurtured back to health, of course, patients can be discharged to fight or face the bombs once again, although it’s a bit unfortunate if you get discharged only to discover that, in your absence, your home has been turned into a potential fishing pond, once someone eventually wins the damned war.

You can see where Freud gets his ideas from, because, of course, poor people are a prime target for recruitment into the armed forces and fighting the wars that governments create.

Now we’ve got BoJo the clown as foreign minister we can probably all look forward to another lovely world war and being super patriotic and having a great time of it singing great war winning songs and cussing the enemy who, as we all know, eat babies for breakfast. Cameron will be able to say, ‘I warned you WWIII would happen if you voted Brexit’. How we’ll laugh.

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